…and then i am

The training provided momentary relief. Meeting new faces and being in a totally new environment steered my mind cleared of the sorry state I am into. The guys are actually fun to be with like in any call center training classes.

I have come to like Makati at night. Devoid of the usual day traffic and busy faces, downtown Makati has its own distinct atmosphere. The lights along the road are dimmed with very few people walking along the quiet streets and a few cars passing from time to time. It gives me a sense of serenity and some sort of comfort.

Driving back in the morning is surprisingly a bliss as well, with the sun just rising along the horizon.

The total experience with my new job has become a consolation to me. It is only when I lay down on the bed that the whole thing sets in again. It is still much too painful to think about that I still struggle to get to sleep.

I dread about the days ahead. It is still unthinkable as of the moment. But I am starting to convince myself that I maybe a different person now, than what I used to be, five days ago. All about me could just be a history.

I remember my father telling me fourteen years ago:

“Be careful, you may end up being just one of them.”

I took my chances anyway. But heedlessy, I guess. I got so enthralled by the immense affection that I let my guard down.

My mistake.

I have cleared my mind of the “why” question. What’s happening right now could have been bound to happen. I just didn’t see it coming.

Painful as it is, I perfectly understand.

I am still in the process of making sense out of everything.

Another thing about my new job, it demands excellence, and therefore, requires us to take a step farther, which may consume most of my time…thus, preventing my mind from dwelling into my own tribulation.

Whether it’s a good thing or not, I’m not sure.

But at the moment, it may just be the only certain thing I have.

.

There’s something about the night that was never there for a long time

There remain, just the clouds

And the wind seemed to have blown to a different direction

How can it change everything so suddenly?

I didn’t realized that this would happen.

Or maybe I knew at one point that this may happen but never really thought about it seriously.

Until today…

I was dumbfounded…or was I speechless…then, I began to feel that I was shaking.

Something on my chest began to feel tight.

It’s been a while

And I am not sure how to ease this nagging desolation

Will it change everything?

And if I remain where I am right now, how can I be sure that this will never happen again?

And if I simply go where the wind blows,

Will that chase the clouds away?

How do you wake up to a morning that you thought was gone forever?